fredag 28 november 2014

THE BEAST! THE BEAST! [La Bête, 1975]

The Beast / La Bête

Holy fucking shit. Okay. I've seen a helluva lot of weird ass movies. Breastmilk on umbrellas, sushi-battleship attacking people, shit-zombies, quite a bit of the glorious weird shit that's out there.

But this fucking movie. Made in France from the golden age of horror that is 1975 with some... porn-esque themes to it. How the hell am I supposed... to describe what I've seen. So many questions remain unanswered. I'll try:

Horsecock. Horsecunt. The cock shoves itself inside--->uncomfortable zoom on the breeders ugly disgusting leering face. "-You're finally getting married!" his father tells him. The bride to be and her aunt arrives and are presented to their room in this enormous mansion in the middle of nowhere. "-What a beautiful painting! I wonder who've painted it?" *lifts down the painting and flips it over to look for a signature ~ finds a detailed drawing of a woman getting fucked doggystyle by a dogs tail* Whoops! I'm gonna go for a walk! *takes photos with her polaroid of the massive horsecock right outside ~ proceeds to masturbate on her bed to the freshly taken pictures*

As she reaches climax the screen fades and we've gone back in time about 200 years ago. From here on all sound is replaced by an overly loud piano-tune in true 18th century style. A high-born woman enters the vast forest covering the house and from out of fucking nowhere a---werewolf?---that looks like it came straight out of an extreme low budget episode from the 60ies Star Trek-show---appears. It starts to chase her and for some reason she falls over and over, hitting branches, dropping all her clothes until the only thing she's left wearing is a corset. We now get a close-up of a fully erect werewolf-penis and it ejaculates hard like someone is clenching at it's ballsack. The chased woman is now climbing up a tree, or well, she somehow manages to hang with her arms at a large branch. Sadly not as high up as she wanted because when the werewolf start closing in on her it proceeds to lick her between her legs. Another close-up of a massive ejaculation fills the screen, this time due to her feet accidentally massaging him downstairs. She drops down to start running again and her wig falls off. The god damn werewolf lifts it from the ground and starts masturbating with it, giving us another fucking close-up of his cock ejaculating like there's no tomorrow. Anyway, he finally manages to get a hold of her and we're presented with a rape-scene, doggy, that isn't pleasant at all at first but somehow ends with her experiencing pure pleasure and willing. Because that's how it works, right? Fourth ejaculation. All over her backside and the last unnecessarily close close-up shoot of erect werewolf-cock. Who is the aim audience for this kind of movie?! Were all these close-up shots really necessary?!

Now we're back at the present. The priest arrives and gets his own room---with two young choirboys he seems very attached to, kissing them all the time through the rest of the movie! Somehow to fill the movie we're also shown whats going on next door. A random questionably young girl is getting it on with one of the black servant boys and let me tell you; This director is more than willing to encourage the audience to make jokes about the lack of difference in size between black packages and horsecocks. All the way down to his knees. Thanks for letting us know.

It's time for the evening dinner and the bride and groom will finally meet each other! "-Look! I'm eating like a squirrel!" I don't know what the fuck is going on but his father quickly pulls him outside and tells the guests that his son has been drinking. Nighttime and by God is the bride horny as fuck! She keeps going back and forward between his room and hers, trying to wake him up and each time she fails she finds different ways to masturbate with different objects. We learn that the wooden side of her bed is a keen favorite. It's not enough though, she needs throbbing cock, this time she seems determined to wake him up. Holy shit! He's dead! Died in his sleep. As simple as that.

Now these last scenes are all together one giant fucking question mark and here is why; Everyone is gathered in his room and for some unknown reason the girl's aunt flips the groom over to his back and pulls down his pants, all in a rush. Well, what do you know. Lots of fur and a tail. He's a descendant from the werewolf. "-THE BEAST! THE BEAST!" is echoing over and over from the aunts mouth as she and the bride runs down the stairs and away from the mansion with the widest eyes in a hilarious scene in which the both actresses overact to such an extreme you can do nothing but burst out with laughter.

End. What the FUCK---did I just watch?

The weirdest part of this movie is actually not the four close-up cum shots but the fact that it has without a doubt the best dub to English ever created. Ever. Really.

All in all, this is not a movie you want to watch by yourself unless you're some old rich lonely horny woman with a fetish for horsecock. This is a party-movie to watch with your friends late at night when you can laugh at anything. But beware! After watching this movie every time your hear 18th century piano-music you'll see a werewolf ejaculating in a forest.

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